Cheesetastic
Ok, time for a new feature here on What The...?
Since I now have satellite TV with like 30 movie channels, I get access to a lot of weird, bad, and completely entertaining movies that are hard to find elsewhere. You know the kind I mean, movies that are shown late at night to take up some time, and that are not exactly Oscar material. I don't mean the Skinemax movies I mentioned below, though. I mean movies that are actually meant to be movies, not just porn that Showtime will accept. A lot of the time these flicks have actors before or after they were famous, or are cult movies, or are just so bad they are great. So now, whenever I get a chance to watch one of these gems, I will post my review here. So without further ado, the first What The...? Cheesetastic Movie Review! (Woo hoo!)
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Our first film to be reviewed is the 1983 classic 'Private School'. This is one of the seemingly thousands of "teensploitation" movies of the early to mid 80's. I am a real aficionado of bad movies, and I love this genre, but for whatever reason I was completely unaware of this movie. The plot revolves around two groups of students at two private schools ('Private School', get it? Genius, pure genius), one for guys and one for the ladies. The guys group consists of Matthew Modine (Jim), Bubba (Michael Zorek), and one other. Modine plays the main guy, the handsome, sensitive leader of the group. Now, I don't know about you, but Matthew Modine has never been my favorite, and here is no exception. He is really moony and wimpy and just plain irritating, if you ask me. So anyway, the other two guys are The Fat Horndog and the Nerdy Guy. 'Nuff said.
The girls are played by Phoebe Cates, Betsy Russell and this one girl who looked really familiar. I couldn't figure out who the hell she was for like 2 days, then I realized she played the skinny, unattractive waitress in 'Roadhouse'. Sweeeeet, a Roadhouse connection! lol Anyway, Modine is dating Cates, Fat Guy is dating Roadhouse Chick, Nerdy Guy isn't dating anyone, and all the guys want to nail Russell. And to be honest, I don't blame them. She is pretty hot, but above and beyond that, she is just overflowing with sexuality. It is rare that you see an actress who puts out so much raw sex appeal. I mean, it was just amazing watching her. There is a part where the 3 guys dress in drag to sneak into the girls' dorm (yep, you read that right), and Modine is in her room giving her a back massage. She pulls down the top of her panties and rolls her hips around, and I swear, it was unreal. Ok, ok, enough, I know, but I will say one last thing. I think a lot of guys who saw this flick in the 80's fell in love with Russell, not based solely on her looks, but on what I was talking about here. Ok, so now I'm done with that.
This is a pretty standard teen sex comedy for the 80's, more nudity than you'd see today, cheesy dialogue, corny as hell humor, and all that, but like most, it was fairly fun to watch. I love the fact that none of these 80's flicks got into that melodramatic, "here's to the next step" American Pie sentimentality bullshit. They said, "Here's some fart jokes and a bunch of naked chicks. Have fun." I respect that. Don't get me wrong, I liked American Pie well enough, and all 3 of those movies were a lot better quality movies than this, but there is something to be said of not rounding the corners of it, if that makes sense.
One of the things that surprised me about this movie was that it actually seemed to focus a little more on the girls than the guys, kind of a rarity for 'Porky's' knockoffs.
Ok, The List (things I noticed and remember about this movie, things that stick out in my mind):
- Like most 80's teen movies like this, the editing was always just a little off, like they called cut too soon or action too late or something in a lot of the scenes. I've always wondered why this happened so often in these movies.
- The scene with Modine's eyes popping out of his head as Russell strips. Priceless bad acting.
- The guys in this movie, especially Fat Horndog, act as if they have never seen a woman before. Which is weird, because all they do is try to (and mostly end up succeeding) see the girls naked. Seriously, they overreact to everything so bad (eyes popping out, jaws dropping, screaming "cowabunga" or whatever) that I was thinking that if someone acted this way in real life they would be put on Valium or Ritalin or something.
- Entire scenes in this movie come out of nowhere. No setup, motivation or anything. Just all of the sudden, pow, the guys show up in drag at the girls' dorm. It's like they made the whole sequence up one night, shot it the next day, but then forgot to go back and shoot any setup or anything for it. Kinda jarring.
- The video game in the bowling alley. I wish like hell I could remember the name of it, but it was a (fictional, made up for this movie, I assume) game where you wiggled around the joystick to try to score with the chick, kind of a Leisure Suit Larry thing. When Modine gets upset and tries to play it, he strikes out apparently, and the game tells him, "Sorry, I'm gonna be washing my hair tonight." Great under-the-radar moment. Too bad it never shows the screen, but I assume there wasn't enough money in the budget for computer graphics.
- Mr Hand! As a chauffeur!
- The scene where Fat Guy is trying to get Roadhouse Chick to have sex with him. It was so weird, at first she says she isn't in the mood, so he tries to talk her into it. So then, she says ok, she'll do it. Score, right? Nope, this guy then gets up and goes out the bathroom window. On the 3rd floor. Huh? I just didn't get that at all.
Ok, so that's it, not a bad one, Revenge of the Nerds was better, but hey, good times. 3 1/2 out of 5 cheese wheels.
Since I now have satellite TV with like 30 movie channels, I get access to a lot of weird, bad, and completely entertaining movies that are hard to find elsewhere. You know the kind I mean, movies that are shown late at night to take up some time, and that are not exactly Oscar material. I don't mean the Skinemax movies I mentioned below, though. I mean movies that are actually meant to be movies, not just porn that Showtime will accept. A lot of the time these flicks have actors before or after they were famous, or are cult movies, or are just so bad they are great. So now, whenever I get a chance to watch one of these gems, I will post my review here. So without further ado, the first What The...? Cheesetastic Movie Review! (Woo hoo!)
----------------------
Our first film to be reviewed is the 1983 classic 'Private School'. This is one of the seemingly thousands of "teensploitation" movies of the early to mid 80's. I am a real aficionado of bad movies, and I love this genre, but for whatever reason I was completely unaware of this movie. The plot revolves around two groups of students at two private schools ('Private School', get it? Genius, pure genius), one for guys and one for the ladies. The guys group consists of Matthew Modine (Jim), Bubba (Michael Zorek), and one other. Modine plays the main guy, the handsome, sensitive leader of the group. Now, I don't know about you, but Matthew Modine has never been my favorite, and here is no exception. He is really moony and wimpy and just plain irritating, if you ask me. So anyway, the other two guys are The Fat Horndog and the Nerdy Guy. 'Nuff said.
The girls are played by Phoebe Cates, Betsy Russell and this one girl who looked really familiar. I couldn't figure out who the hell she was for like 2 days, then I realized she played the skinny, unattractive waitress in 'Roadhouse'. Sweeeeet, a Roadhouse connection! lol Anyway, Modine is dating Cates, Fat Guy is dating Roadhouse Chick, Nerdy Guy isn't dating anyone, and all the guys want to nail Russell. And to be honest, I don't blame them. She is pretty hot, but above and beyond that, she is just overflowing with sexuality. It is rare that you see an actress who puts out so much raw sex appeal. I mean, it was just amazing watching her. There is a part where the 3 guys dress in drag to sneak into the girls' dorm (yep, you read that right), and Modine is in her room giving her a back massage. She pulls down the top of her panties and rolls her hips around, and I swear, it was unreal. Ok, ok, enough, I know, but I will say one last thing. I think a lot of guys who saw this flick in the 80's fell in love with Russell, not based solely on her looks, but on what I was talking about here. Ok, so now I'm done with that.
This is a pretty standard teen sex comedy for the 80's, more nudity than you'd see today, cheesy dialogue, corny as hell humor, and all that, but like most, it was fairly fun to watch. I love the fact that none of these 80's flicks got into that melodramatic, "here's to the next step" American Pie sentimentality bullshit. They said, "Here's some fart jokes and a bunch of naked chicks. Have fun." I respect that. Don't get me wrong, I liked American Pie well enough, and all 3 of those movies were a lot better quality movies than this, but there is something to be said of not rounding the corners of it, if that makes sense.
One of the things that surprised me about this movie was that it actually seemed to focus a little more on the girls than the guys, kind of a rarity for 'Porky's' knockoffs.
Ok, The List (things I noticed and remember about this movie, things that stick out in my mind):
- Like most 80's teen movies like this, the editing was always just a little off, like they called cut too soon or action too late or something in a lot of the scenes. I've always wondered why this happened so often in these movies.
- The scene with Modine's eyes popping out of his head as Russell strips. Priceless bad acting.
- The guys in this movie, especially Fat Horndog, act as if they have never seen a woman before. Which is weird, because all they do is try to (and mostly end up succeeding) see the girls naked. Seriously, they overreact to everything so bad (eyes popping out, jaws dropping, screaming "cowabunga" or whatever) that I was thinking that if someone acted this way in real life they would be put on Valium or Ritalin or something.
- Entire scenes in this movie come out of nowhere. No setup, motivation or anything. Just all of the sudden, pow, the guys show up in drag at the girls' dorm. It's like they made the whole sequence up one night, shot it the next day, but then forgot to go back and shoot any setup or anything for it. Kinda jarring.
- The video game in the bowling alley. I wish like hell I could remember the name of it, but it was a (fictional, made up for this movie, I assume) game where you wiggled around the joystick to try to score with the chick, kind of a Leisure Suit Larry thing. When Modine gets upset and tries to play it, he strikes out apparently, and the game tells him, "Sorry, I'm gonna be washing my hair tonight." Great under-the-radar moment. Too bad it never shows the screen, but I assume there wasn't enough money in the budget for computer graphics.
- Mr Hand! As a chauffeur!
- The scene where Fat Guy is trying to get Roadhouse Chick to have sex with him. It was so weird, at first she says she isn't in the mood, so he tries to talk her into it. So then, she says ok, she'll do it. Score, right? Nope, this guy then gets up and goes out the bathroom window. On the 3rd floor. Huh? I just didn't get that at all.
Ok, so that's it, not a bad one, Revenge of the Nerds was better, but hey, good times. 3 1/2 out of 5 cheese wheels.
posted by Prophet422 at 2:04 PM
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