(No title)

There are too many things to think about, too many variables. Woulda coulda shoulda, what the fuck ever. I think if I was going to have an infomercial it would be "How To Drive Yourself Nuts In 3 Easy Steps". Ugh.

Interlude

Barathus: An Interlude

1.              Lasciate Ogne Speranza, Voi Ch'Intrate

I never really believed in a lot. Call me Uncommitted. That has changed. I feel like I have to get this out, record it, because soon, I don’t think I’ll be able to tell the difference between me and him. He is coming more and more often now. I thought at first it was just my mind and this fucking place playing tricks on me, but now I see that his mind is stronger than mine. I will be gone soon, and I want to leave something behind, even if it’s just this diary that no one will ever read.

I’ll try to start at the beginning. The first thing I want to say is fuck you Gigi. I followed you. I believed in you. I came to find you. And you were empty. You were an illusion. Happiness? No. The promise without the payoff. No happiness there. But I bought it. I came to this fucked up place for you and only you. (Even the name of this place is creepy. “Barathus”? Whoever came up with that ought to have his head examined. If anyone ever reads this, look up the origin of that word.) And so here I am, after chasing that ghost that is called

KEEPLOOKINGKEEPLOOKINGIHAVETOOMUCHFUNTOSTOP

Shit. There he was again. I have to hurry.

2.             Where ‘mid the gust, the whirlwind, and the flaw
             Of rain and hail-stones, lovers need not tell
             Their sorrows. Pale were the sweet lips I saw,
             Pale were the lips I kiss’d, and fair the form
             I floated with, about that melancholy storm.

      The town was a normal small town, if maybe even a little too Norman Rockwell for me. I liked it, but the it gave off a very strange vibe, a feeling of things were just a little too nice, too perfect. It was like a re-run of Father Knows Best, where you know there is something going on under the surface, something not exactly wholesome that can be bookended in one episode. You just don’t know what it is. I swear, when I first got there, I could just see the high school girls wearing poodle skirts and the dads smoking pipes. Maybe

      YESYESYES

            I was a little jaded, but I came here from a much different place.

      I didn’t have to come. But the memories of that time were just too strong.

      I met you at the supermarket. I remember it like it was yesterday, even though it was 10 years ago. You were wearing blue jeans and that damn Alabama Crimson Tide sweatshirt that just said “’Bama”. For some reason, that shirt was always just yours. If I saw anyone else wearing it I would have to say that they don’t belong in it. Just you. But whatever. Anyway, you know the rest. The love, the fights, the amazing times, the horrible times. When you walked out of my life, there was a hole in my heart that never healed. But that long tends to dull things. To make it just an ache, not a wound. Scar tissue can fill in a cut, but it is always visible.

      So when my phone rang and it was your number (I never lost it, even though I didn’t know if you even still had it)

      OFCOURSENOTYOUARETOOMUCHFUNIWILLHAVESOMUCHTIMEWITHYOUYOUDON’TKNOWWHEREYOUARE

          I answered. The only thing you said was come where you are, you need help. And that wound tore open again, the scar tissue cannot and did not hold.

2.              Traditio

Follow me, you said, help me you said, I love you, I need you, I want you. I did. I followed you. I went down the path, I saw the forest, I saw the cliff, I saw the things no one should see and that no one can remember the way they should. The things that seem like a dream, but do not fade the way a dream does when you wake up.

That was a dream, an illusion. A ghost of the past I can never quite grasp. You. That. All of us, all of me. >focus now, it’s getting worse<

READTHISLOVETHISYOUWERELIEDTOANDYOUWENTINTOITWITHEYESSHUTYOULOVEDITDOYOUREALLYTHINKYOUCANBESTRONGERTHANMEBETTERTHANMESMARTERTHANMENO

You lied. I followed you.

3.              Memor illa res

                        9-11

                        Rocky Road

                        Denver Broncos

                        Lilacs

                        “I read it for the articles.”

                        Red Bull

                        40 Year Old Virgin

                        McMuffins

                        Alex

                        Peelers

           

4.              “Now, the very money is itself corrupted, every affirmation has become perjury, and every identity a lie”

            I first saw him when I was talking to the doctor. There was something under the doctor’s shirt that I couldn’t figure out. I have questioned so many people, made them talk. That Iraqi in the basement of Baghdad can attest to that. He died with 2 fingers and zero genitals left, and he talked. They all talk. But this fucker wouldn’t. This doctor just kept fingering that fucking necklace or whatever the hell it was under his shirt. This was after. After I woke up and you were gone. Jester hat. In the corner. Laughing at me. Telling me I wasn’t as good as I used to be. The doctor told me to look under the tree. I left. Fuck him. Let him have his necklace if he wants it so bad. I had to find you. And I did. But I’d take it back if I could.

5.              Umbra````

            I’m not going to keep it together very much longer. I have to get this out. Red is love. Red is blood. White is peace

NOPEACENOLOVEONLYMEONLYSTRIFEONLYCHAOSONLYTHETREETHATFEEDSALLOFUSOURDAILYMEMORIES

       Christ, this is getting bad….

            Gigi. I miss you. If I only have one minute, one day, one hour until I am gone and he is all that is there, just know I came here to find you and lost myself. But I don’t regret it. I am lost already, but the search for you made me feel like there is something better out there. I will be just another crazy fool here, but maybe I always was

            EVERYONEISMADHEREYOUCANNOTFIGHTITWHODOYOUTHINKYOUAREYOUWILLNOTANDCANNOTFIGHTMEYOUSTOPTRYINGSOHARDNOONEGETSOUTOFHEREALIVEYOUCANTGOHOMEANYMOREYOUFUCKINGLOSE

      

6.              Memor illa res (II)

            GI Joe

            Crayons (What color?)

            Time to make things right

            “I’m already dead, I’ll rise to fall again.”

            The little one

           

I have to give in now. I don’t want to. I’m sorry. It’s too strong. Goodbye.

Invictus Maneo

Sense memory

I saw someone in silhouette through the front window of their house last night on my way back from the store, and they were in the exact same pose as I saw you in so many times. Cell phone in hand, arm at about waist level, hip thrown out a little. It brought back so many memories I had to stop walking for a minute. I can't believe how much I miss you and how much just the little things like that can give me pause.

Opinions...?

The Punchline
By Amos Jarrell


I had a conversation with God the other day.
I didn't mean to
But there he was
And what was I gonna do?
Say no?
And no, I'm not crazy, talking to made up voices in my head.
I know, because I asked.
God told me I'm not. Crazy, that is.
So that was a relief.
Anyway,
God came over, so to speak.
I was kinda surprised, because any other time I tried to talk, he wasn't home. Or he was screening his calls.
Or something.
But he says to me
"So what's on your mind? Got a few to talk? You know, shoot the breeze?"
Again, what am I gonna say, no, I got some pretty important stuff to do?
And yeah, there was some stuff I wanted to talk about.
So I said,
"Yeah, that would be good. Love to."
So we sat down
on the couch
I think
And I said to God
"I'm not gonna waste your time with all that
'Why do bad things happen to good people bullshit (Excuse the language, but we weren't in church. Cool? Cool.) I'm not one of those people who think you are some kind of micro-manager.
You aren't, are you?"
"Nope."
"Ok, good. That would be kinda weird anyway."
"Yeah, I know, that's not really my style."
"What I would like to ask though, isn't easy to explain.
I guess I just
Don't get it.
What's the point? Of all this I mean. It's hard, and
I'm not asking you to do something for me, but like I said,
I just don't get it."
He looked at me for a minute, and said
"Have you heard all these sayings, stuff like
'Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger', and
'You can sleep when you're dead', and
'Life's a bitch, then you die'?"
"Sure, everyone has."
"Ok, well, I'm here to tell you they are all bullshit. (Excuse the language, but we aren't in church, right? Right.)
So yeah, they are bullshit. People try to
break life down like that, in one sentence, but it never works.
People don't think about it enough.
You want to hear something that no one wants to
accept?"
"Well, sure. But what if I won't accept it?"
"Well, that would be up to you, now wouldn't it? I
am the one that came up with the whole
'free will' thing, remember?"
"Right. Gotcha."
"Ok, here it is:
Life isn't some kind of big joke, but
There is a punchline. You just have to look for it.
It's there. And it doesn't make life a joke.
But
It can be pretty fucking funny, if you think about it."
(Did God just wink at me? I think he did. How weird.)
"But wait a minute," I said. This wasn't going the way I thought it would.
"I don't really think it's all that funny that I am
broke
tired
overwhelmed
empty
and
lonely as hell.
So how is that funny? Are you some kind of
sadist?
Do you find humor in people's suffering and unhappiness?"
And yeah, I know, thin ice here. Yipes.
And he laughed.
And I was confused.
This was not unusual for this particular conversation so far.
"No, I'm not like that, although a lot of people think I am.
I don't enjoy suffering
or heartbreak
or pain.
But these things are a part of life, no?"
"Well, yeah, but I guess the point for a lot of people is to
come to you so you will
take all that away."
"Believe me, I am well aware of that, I get that day and night."
"I believe you. Really."
"Good. So anyway, if I took all that away whenever
anyone asked me to,
how would you learn anything?
Pain is a teacher
Pain is a lesson
A hard one, to be sure
But a needed one.
Only the ignorant think pain is for punishment.
And if you don't learn, you will probably get smacked
right in the face
over and over again."
"So that's the punchline? 'Life As A Three Stooges Film'?"
"Don't be dense."
Whoops.
"I'll tell you the punchline if you really want to hear it.
But
As you may or may not know, most of the time,
When you hear a punchline too soon,
it ruins the experience."
Very true. So I asked God if I could
think it over.
"Sure, but don't take too long. I have shit to do, you know?"
"Right."
.............
"Ok, God. Let me have it. I want to hear."
"Well, ok, but don't say I didn't warn you."
"Got it."
"Here it is:
You are still alive, still kicking, after all the
pain and suffering and heartbreak and loneliness."

"That's it? That's no punchline. That's just a simple fact. That's
not even funny."
"It's not supposed to be.
It makes all the pain and suffering and bullshit
that came before it into the joke if that is the punchline, doesn't it?"
I didn't really have anything to say to that.
So the conversation ended with me not being able to say much.
But that was ok.
I didn't need to say anything else anyway.

Podcast. What, bitches?

New podcasts here in the land of the lost.

My heart hurts. I thought it would get better, but it hasn't. Not at all. I don't know how I can deal with this...

Better? Fuck no...

"It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all."

What a bunch of bullshit.

Yeah, yeah...

I know, I know, it's been forever since there has been a new podcast. I'm working on it. Get off my back!