Monday, October 31, 2005

My favorite Halloween quote

"More and more, it seems that Halloween is just an excuse for women to dress up really slutty." - My brother

"And the problem with that is....?" - Me

Thursday, October 27, 2005

Giant post

A car for the ho on the go...

Sort of self defeating, wouldn't you say?

Somehow I don't think this guy has attended much "sensitivity training"...

Can't imagine there being much of a demand for these...

Genocide, lawn care, whatever. Gotta make a living...

Now THAT'S good eatin'!

I hate it when my wife does this...

Maybe the guy was eating one of these and that's what tipped off his wife...

Speaking of the cops...

I guess Santa finally snapped...

As a politician, you have to have reasonable goals, nothing too lofty...

Also, as a politician, you have to get to know your constituants. But this might be knowing them a little to personally...

I have no idea what this is even supposed to mean, but it sounds like fun...

Um, Mom? Earth to Mom?

And finally, my all-time favorite "man on the street" answer ever. The question was "How important is reading?"

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Wierd stuff

(This is a super old post that for some reason I had saved as a draft, so here ya go.)

I decided to take some of those quiz thingies I see in blogs sometimes, so here they are. These are sorta dumb, but oh well.

Your Superhero Profile

Your Superhero Name is The Speed Weirdo
Your Superpower is Undead
Your Weakness is Midgets
Your Weapon is Your Sonic Torch
Your Mode of Transportation is Monster Truck


You Are 30% Weird

Not enough to scare other people...
But sometimes you scare yourself.


You're An Alcoholic

Time to go back to step one.


Your Monster Profile

Omega Butcher

You Feast On: Fingernails

You Lurk Around In: The Ocean

You Especially Like to Torment: Groupies


Your Daddy Is Darth Vader

What You Call Him: Pops

Why You Love Him: He's your sugar daddy


B

Your senses are pretty sharp (okay, most of the time)
And it takes something big to distract you!


You Are 23 Years Old

Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe.

13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world.

20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences.

30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more!

40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.


In a Past Life...

You Were: A Friendly Monk.

Where You Lived: Tibet.

How You Died: Decapitation.


Your Pimp Name Is...

White Chocolate Dogg


You Are Mexican Food

Spicy yet dependable.
You pull punches, but people still love you.


You Are Somewhat Machiavellian

You're not going to mow over everyone to get ahead...
But you're also powerful enough to make things happen for yourself.
You understand how the world works, even when it's an ugly place.
You just don't get ugly yourself - unless you have to!


Your Personality Is

Rational (NT)


You are both logical and creative. You are full of ideas.
You are so rational that you analyze everything. This drives people a little crazy!

Intelligence is important to you. You always like to be around smart people.
In fact, you're often a little short with people who don't impress you mentally.

You seem distant to some - but it's usually because you're deep in thought.
Those who understand you best are fellow Rationals.

In love, you tend to approach things with logic. You seek a compatible mate - who is also very intelligent.

At work, you tend to gravitate toward idea building careers - like programming, medicine, or academia.

With others, you are very honest and direct. People often can't take your criticism well.

As far as your looks go, you're coasting on what you were born with. You think fashion is silly.

On weekends, you spend most of your time thinking, experimenting with new ideas, or learning new things.

Thoughts from the bus you say? Too good to be true, I say!

I caught a little of 'Breaking Bonaduce' last night. I'm a little unsure about how I feel about that show. On one hand, it's funny to watch a former-child-star-alcoholic-pill-popping-steroid-taking-bipolar-certifiable-lunatic melt down every half hour, but on the other hand, it's a little creepy. His wife seems completely freaked out by him, along with being sorta weird and out of it, like she's fairly heavily medicated or something. I don't know, maybe I'll watch it again, maybe not. Another thing. They made a big deal out of him taking steroids, but what the hell does Danny Bonaduce need steroids for? He obviously works out, but steroids? Come on...

I need to go out and have one of those nights at the bar that you tell stories about later. Those stories that start out "Hey, remember that night we went to LoDo's and did all the Car Bombs?..."

So there is yet another hurricane down in Florida. They ran out of names and had to go to 'Alpha' for the current new storm. God must really have it in for the Gulf Coast. But to all those saying these are signs of the end of the world, you are a little late. The first sign that Florida would be where Armageddon begins was when the Tampa Bay Lightning won the Stanley Cup. The championship of hockey in Florida? Come on, that's like having Arizona win the water polo championship (if there is such a thing)....

"If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason." - Jack Handey

I witnessed one of the weirdest conversations ever the other day. I was at the video game store in the mall, and I saw a 14 (or so) year-old skater doofus arguing with the guy who was working there, a 24 (or so) year-old gamer weenie about Bush and politics. It was so funny, neither of them had a clue as to what they were talking about, they had just heard some rhetoric and adopted it as their own. Gotta love free speech, but at least try to think about it before you open your mouth, ok, guys?

I am getting to a really weird age right now, where I am closer to 30 than 20, but don't feel like it. So I feel like partying and all that, but then the "mature" side of my brain comes to life and says "Don't. You have work, you gotta save some money, you got stuff to do around the house, blah blah blah." It's like having a stranger in my head. I usually listen though, so I don't know if I am getting old, more mature, smarter, or just lazier.

Ha! I did a spell check, and Blogger said to replace 'Bonaduce' with 'bondage'. I don't know why that is so funny to me, but it made me laugh...

What the hell is that guy's name that does the Oxy-Clean commercials? Billy something? Man, he just keeps going, and going, and going. He's like a auctioneer on meth...

There is a TV in the break room at my work, and whenever I go in there, it's always the most random stuff on. One time I might see Tyra Banks doing the booty dance on her talk show, the next time it's CNN talking about refugees from the storms, the next time it's some soap opera character talking about how they are pregnant with a terrorist's baby or something. It's awesome, it's like the Twilight Zone...

The password on some guy's account that I saw the other day is "bohner". I'm hoping he had a sense of humor and he did that just so he could say 'boner' to a phone rep and get away with it.

Possibly more later...


"Stupid TV! Be...more...funny!" - Homer

(Insert funny title here)

Makes sense if you think about it...

Extra? I'm not sure I want any at all...

Gotta love an employer who knows what he wants and isn't afraid to say it (read carefully)...

On that note, a very true statement...

Notice how there is only one person in the picture? Ha!

Now really, I don't know if there is a more unfortunate pair of names ever put together...

I'm not even sure what to say here...

And this is even worse when prepared by the couple above...

Monday, October 24, 2005

A themed post

They named a typhoon after me. Cool... lol

Youch...

I don't think she would argue with that...

I don't know what to say, except the stars must have been aligned when these two met...

Thursday, October 20, 2005

Thanks, Intern! Ha!

contactmusic.com -- Former porn star and flame of Charlie Sheen sells the pearl necklace he once gave her. Let it be known that no man has ever shown more restraint than I am right now.

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Thoughts from the bus rolls on...

FYI: In case anyone is wondering, the title of these posts comes from the fact that I ride the bus to work and back, and while on the bus I can either play "BubbleSmile" on my cell phone or sit and stare out the window. If I choose the latter, invariably, all these random thoughts start going through my head. Just thought you might want to know.

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What are the odds that the minute the divorce papers are filed, maybe even before, Nick Lachey will "accidentally" leak his an Jessica Simpson's "private home movies"? I don't even think Vegas would post that...

Since when did Denver Broncos fans become Boston Red Sox fans? It seems like for the last few years, instead of being happy that the Broncs are doing well, we are waiting for the other shoe to drop. Of course, it always does, in the form of the Indianapolis Colts...

Good lord, I think I am going to just sign over my paychecks to Cingular. By the end of the week, I will have about 300 dollars in deposits and rebates with them...

More to come, work intrudes...

"I have been looking for a way to help the community that incorporates my violence..." - F

"Yeah, life is hilariously cruel." - F

Feeling lazy again

I didn't know you could get your law degree at clown college...



Ummmm, ok, gross...




"I feel like I've been mauled by Jesus." - F

Friday, October 14, 2005

It really DOES work, apparently. On cops, anyway...

It's quiet in here. Too quiet...

I know I haven't been posting a whole lot lately, and I am trying to correct that. Work is taking up so much of my time I haven't had much of a chance. So hopefully I'll be getting some more of the content I know you are all dying to see up here soon. Stay tuned! Or die!

"Years later, a doctor will tell me I have an IQ of 48, and am what some people call 'mentally retarded'." - Brick Tamland

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Back off, Uncle Jim! You're gonna get sprayed!

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

The Thoooooommmmpsoooonnssssss.....

Monday, October 10, 2005

This will be on the test

Now for the educational portion of What The...?. Today's lesson: Advertising 101. Here we will break down television advertising to its core, in a simple and easy to understand format. Please bear in mind this does not apply to all advertising, but most of it.

******************************

Woman 1: Boy, men sure are lazy stupid jerks!

Woman 2: Ha ha! How right you are! Wait, what are we selling again?

Woman 1: Does it matter?

Both: Ha ha ha!

Closeup of product.

Cut.

Thursday, October 06, 2005

Cheesetastic Part 2

Welcome back to Cheesetastic. This is not going to be as good a review as last time, the reason being is that I actually missed the first part of this movie. I came into it about 20 minutes in, I think, so I probably missed some important setup stuff. In fact, I know I did. More on that later.

So without further ado, welcome to the Cheesetastic review of... Bloody Murder 2! Woo hoo!

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I can't remember which channel this one was on, but I do know they showed it practically every night for like a week. I kept seeing it on the guide and wanted to watch it, because I love the slasher genre. The cheesier, the better. So one night I finally caught most of it, and had some mixed feelings.

The plot involves a group of teenagers at a summer camp that is closing at the end of the season. Apparently the main character, Tracy, came there to work even though her brother was killed at that same camp 5 years earlier by a psycho named Trevor Moorehouse. Yeah. "Trevor Moorehouse". Not exactly the scariest name I have ever heard. In fact, that has to be about the lamest name for the killer in the history of horror. Think about that. You got Hannibal "The Cannibal" Lecter, Jason Voorhees, Freddy Krueger, etc., then "Trevor Moorehouse"? That sounds like someone who does a lot of shopping at the Gap and spends his weekends wearing deck shoes. Doesn't exactly strike terror into the hearts of the viewers.

Anyway, back to the Tracy character. What I don't get is why someone would come to work at the camp where her brother got murdered, then wonder why she is having nightmares about it. I mean, come on. Even for a slasher flick, that's pretty stupid. Oh well, "Citizen Kane" this ain't. But no one really expected it to be, did they?

There isn't much more than that, plot wise, but the filmmakers try to add suspense with a super cheesy looking computer-video-detective-red-herring sequence. Is Tracy's boyfriend the killer? Is he just acting shady? Did someone edit the videotape to make it look like he is the killer? Why in the hell would a guy leave his (running) videocamera in a tree pointed at the cabin door in the first place? All fairly pointless questions, really. But it padded the running time some, so I guess they needed to be in there.

Also, the photography in this movie sucked. It looked like it was shot on a lower end digital video camera in a lot of the scenes, with the picture being really grainy and blurry. Also, whoever lit this film was obviously drinking or something. This was one of the darkest, hardest to see movies I have ever had the chance to witness. I think they were going for a moody, atmospheric look, or maybe even a more natural look than a lot of movies, but Christ, I could barely tell what the hell was going on in some of the scenes.

As for the acting, it was so-so, to be expected in a killer-in-the-woods-with-a-goofy-mask flick. Katy Woodruff, who plays Tracy, is oddly enough the worst actress in the movie. Odd because she gets the lead over two other girls, at least one of which (Tiffany Shepis) acted circles around her. The guys are pretty uniformly bad, especially the camp owner guy, who looked the whole time like he had to take a bathroom break or something. I could just imagine the director saying to him, "Now are you sure you don't have to go? You are sure? Because once we start shooting, I'm not gonna stop. Ok? You sure?"

There was a pretty good amount of the good old blood-and-boobs standard in these movies. More of the former than the latter. The arrow through the neck scene was pretty good, but they kept going and going and going with it. I wanted to shout at the screen "Ok, I get it! The guy got shot in the damn neck with a damn arrow. What am I, blind?" There was the chainsaw scene, the plain old knife scene, and someone's head got smashed with a rock. That was pretty nifty. But overall the kill scenes were fairly flat, not especially creative. Not much nudity, relatively speaking. Only one of the girls had a nude or sex scene, but she did have two of them. One shower scene and a back-to-nature outdoor shag that must have been colder than hell. I could see the actors' breath the whole time, meaning it had to be down around what, 45 degrees or lower? Youch.

The climax of the flick I just didn't get. The sheriff turns out to be either the killer or the mastermind, it's never completely clear. At least to me. I think he was the mastermind, because Trevor (Ha! Sorry, that gets me every time. A killer named Trevor.) does actually kill some people, maybe not all, but the majority. But then, after killing all these people, he shows up with the sheriff, who turns out to be his dad (ummm, ok...). Turns out dad wants to make sure the camp closes for good or something. So the evil plan is coming to fruition, right? Wrong. Dad and Jr. Psycho Boy have the two surviving girls trapped, right where they want them. Then, for no reason whatsoever, at the last second Trevor turns and kills his dad with a chainsaw, looks at the chicks for a second, and walks away. What the...?

Whatever, on to The List...

- I kept rooting for the main character Tracy to get killed. My ex's name is Tracy, and I could only wish she was caught out in the woods with a chainsaw-wielding nutcase.

- The scene where the character Angela (the one who got naked) is all upset because she thinks her fling at the camp took off without saying goodbye or anything was a masterpiece of weird logic. The guy is dead, but Trevor or dad or someone forged a note from him saying he just up and left. So Angela is all pissed and sad, crying and saying stuff like "I knew this was just a summer thing, but that was a shitty thing to do, blah blah blah". And what is her solution? To wait as long as maybe 9 seconds and then ask the boyfriend of one of the other camp counselors to go have sex with her. Ha!

- The black guy in this movie was named Elvis. Kind of a strange touch. You don't see many black guys named Elvis.

- Speaking of the black guy, there was this one really stupid scene where he and the third (completely superfluous) female character have the "black guys always get killed first in horror movies" conversation. First of all, that conversation has been had in so many horror movies that at this point it is beyond tired. For another thing, this scene where they had the conversation was horrible. It was done in all one take, with the camera moving around. That in itself isn't so bad, but the cameraman kept moving between the sun and the actors, so about every 5 seconds we are treated to 'camera shadow', a sure sign of a director who doesn't pay attention. Not just once, but over and over again. Also, it was shot from a extreme low angle for some reason, which was really distracting.

- I had seen the cover box for this movie in Hollywood Video at one point, and it shows a guy in a hockey mask with a big meat hook in his hand. So it's a pretty safe bet that someone in this movie will be killed with a meat hook by a guy in a hockey mask, right? Wrong. No hockey mask, no meat hook. Trevor the Killer doesn't have a hockey mask, he has some generic thing that looks like a cross between the mask Michael Meyers wears and the one in the Scream movies. Weird.

- What the hell was with turning this movie into a Nancy Drew mystery toward the end? No one watches these to solve a mystery, they watch them to see people screwing and getting chopped to pieces. Hear me, directors, writers, et al.? Screwing and chopping, that's what your public wants, trust me.

- The credits at the end said "Shot on Fuji film", but if this wasn't shot on digital video I'll take back everything I said about Trevor being a scary name.

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So what we have here is a pretty routine slasher flick, not much better or worse than the countless others out there. It was fun in spots, but I would have to say overall it lacked the sense of fun of some of the earlier entries in this genre. At the height of the slasher flick era in the 80's, there was (almost) always a sense of fun about these movies, like the filmmakers knew the movies weren't going to be that great, but they were having a ball making them. This one lacked that, and I believe suffered for it. Not as good (meaning cheesily enjoyable) as I hoped. 2 out of 5 cheese wheels. Kinda good times.

"And since I'm being fired anyway, you want to know what else grinds my gears? You, America. F%#k you." - FG