Friday, September 30, 2005

A lazy post, but hopefully funny

I know this is just a bunch of stuff I found, so therefore I'm not being very original, but it's funny anyway. To at least 75 percent of the readers of this. Meaning me. Ha.


I think this actually happened to me once....



Jeez, cut the kids a break, they are only in 5th grade, they couldn't be expected to be very good...



Wow, it must REALLY suck to live in Erie...



A truer thing has never been said...



"Not in our back yard, Churchy La Femme!"



A prediction of your future?



Okay, I will! In fact, I think I already am!



And finally, an award all us guys would love to win...

Two more office quotes

Thursday, September 29, 2005

Thoughts from the bus part III

Why do they keep making T-shirts longer? I saw a guy the other day that had one that hung down almost to his knees. It was really wierd, the top looked pretty normal, but the body part was really long...

Who thought "Trevor Moorehouse" was a scary name for a psycho serial killer? Sounds like a guy who works at The Gap...

Are they gonna change the name of "Two and a Half Men" when that kids gets older? "Tonight, a very special episode of Two and 74 Percent of a Man..."

Best thing I have heard so far in my office at my new job: Female new hire: "Lord, I am NOT drinking any of this company's water. There are entirely too many pregnant people here."

Paris Hilton said in an interview recently, "I'm the closest thing to American royalty." Ugh, I'm moving to Canada....

Current mood re: Broncos season: Cautious Optimism...

"That poor, deluded honky." - Futurama

News anchor, responding to a report from the field: "A disturbing story. Thank you." Huh?

Since when is pink the cool new color for guys to wear? Women, what do you think of this?

Wouldn't it have been fucking awesome if at the end of that Broncos/Chargers game, the JumboTron guys would have played that 'Anchorman' clip where he says "And that's it for tonight. Go fuck yourself, San Diego."? That makes me laugh just to think about.

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Offices rule! (funny shit)

Monday, September 26, 2005

Yeeeee Haaaa!

So I got that job. Woo hoo! I may not be updating this as much anymore, but I'll try to.

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

How very true

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

I think these are mandatory in court buildings

Limbo's nice, I guess. Better than hell, anyway...

I know that last post was kind of a cliffhanger. Sorry. This has been a really wierd sequence of events, a real pain in the ass, really. Full story below.

Ok, so I went to the interview on Thursday and did pretty well. The consulting company that set me up with this interview called me on Friday and asked me to come in and fill out their paperwork, because the guy wants to hire me. Woo hoo! BUT.... they do a really extensive background check, apparently, so I'm pretty nervous about that. It's not that I have anything real bad on my background, but I do have some traffic stuff that was fairly serious. And plus, thay want my work history and contacts for the jobs for the last ten years. I am trying to get all that together along with working at the job I already have. Ugh. So as of today, I'm still not a hundred percent sure I have this job, but I think I do. I hope so, anyway. More later today probably.

Friday, September 16, 2005

Big money, no whammies....!

Ok, so I'm kinda freaking out. I interviewed for a job yesterday that would double my pay rate, and I'm supposed to find out today if I got it or not. I can't concentrate at all, all I can think about is if I got this job. Update later....

"Dorothy Mantooth is a saint! Dorothy Mantooth is a saint!" - ATLORB

"No commercials, no mercy!" - ATLORB

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Government logic at work

Ok, rant time

So here now it's time for me to go off on something that may sound stupid or petty or whatever, but screw it, it's my blog.

I am really into movies, as if you didn't know that already, and I follow the movie news and stuff as well as watch the movies themselves. And I have noticed a very weird and irritating thing that has been going on in the last few years. Well, maybe not the last few, say the last ten or so.

There have always been, and always will be, actors and actresses who are cast in movies not for the acting skills they may or may not have, but for their physical appearance. Now, I have no problem with that, the fact that we are a beauty obsessed culture should come as no big shock to anyone out there. And besides, the movies are such a visual medium that it's almost unavoidable. Add in the fact that there are some long standing traditions in the movies of using good-looking, disposable characters. Take horror, comedy and thrillers as the best examples of this. Horror movies have used naked women (and men) for so long that even before they were naked, say in the 50's, they were trying to get away with showing as much as they could (bathing suits, the infamous angora sweaters, etc.). When it comes to comedy, the movies I have in mind are usually the lower-brow type, Animal House, Revenge of the Nerds, American Pie, that sort of thing. So the point is, this is something that has been used for a long time, and will continue to be used, whether the "moral majority" approves or not.

The part that annoys me to no end is the fact that for whatever reason, these genetically (and more recently surgically) blessed people are now assuming that because they were cast in a movie, that indicates that they are somehow all great actors. They will make a splash in some movie or another by showing their tits or ass or having some sex scene or whatever, then if they become well known enough to be cast again, they will turn around and put a "no nudity" clause in the contract. What bothers me about this is the hypocrisy of this. You were in the movie because you have a nice rack, not because you can act!

Probably the best example I can think of right now is Shannon Elizabeth. This girl was kicking around Hollywood for a while, making low budget crapola, then she got a boob job, took off her shirt in American Pie, and got kinda famous for it. All the while with an atrocious accent and all the acting skills of a mannequin. So then, she decides she is better than just eye candy, and won't do any more nudity. Fine, but the only reason guys went to see her in ANYTHING else was because they thought she might get naked, or because she was good looking. The acting never got better, and is painful to watch. Take away the topless scene, and what do you have? Nothing! If there is going to be a girl who isn't going to do any nudity in your horror, comedy or whatever, then make it someone who can at least act. Hence "actor". Get it? Other examples of this weird trend include Denise Richards and Elizabeth Berkeley (although she seems to understand her role slightly better than most). There are more, but you get the idea. Hypocrites!

Now, this may sound sexist or whatever, but I really don't feel it is. There are men who do this same thing. Also, and this is an important inverse to what I said above, there are women who get into the movie biz by taking it off, then turn around and show that they really can act. Some might argue or disagree with me, but I think a good example of this is Jaime Pressly. She got noticed in 'Poison Ivy: The New Seduction', where she had about 47 nude scenes. She didn't seem to want to do much more nudity after that, but here's the thing: she can be hilarious as a comedic actress. So she used her physical attributes to get in the door, then used her actual talent to stay there. And I have no problem with that. Other examples if THIS side of it include Sharon Stone, Jaime Lee Curtis and possibly Halle Berry, but her nudity was more of a comeback type thing, rather than getting in the door.

Whatever happened to the Adrienne Barbeaus, that Betsy Russells, the Leanna Quigleys, the Shannon Tweeds, the actresses who realized that maybe they weren't Oscar material, but understood that their physical beauty would keep getting them movie roles, as long as they understood and accepted the roles they got, and had fun with them? There isn't anything wrong (in my mind at least) with being lower on the totem pole, if you have fun and understand what your role is. Does that make sense?

I am in no way saying here that women actors are no more that tits and ass, by the way, so don't think that. I am just saying that don't pull the old bait and switch on us. "Here's my great body, come on in the store!" "Wow, ok!" "Oh, and by the way, inside the store here there isn't any more of my great body, just some really crappy acting." Who would shop in that store again?

Getting lazy?

I was looking over this here blog, and I noticed that I have started to get away from writing, and gotten a little more reliant on posting funny pictures and stuff. It's kinda wierd, because there for a while I had to keep my posts down in length to have one fit on one page. I am a little worried that this means I am getting either lazy or less creative. Hmmmmm... I don't know, what do you all think? >crickets< Damn you people! I spend all day slaving over a hot blog for you and this is the treatment I get? >sob<

Wow, I need to get more sleep at night, sometimes I act like a total wierdo....

"I used to be with it, but then they changed what it was, and now what I'm with isn't it, and what is it is wierd and scary to me." - S

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Male "bonding"? Ha!

Monday, September 12, 2005

Trump 'n Tha Hood


"Yo, dog, y'all just ain't kicking dope enough flava. Get to steppin, fool."

Sunday, September 11, 2005

Never Forgotten


Friday, September 09, 2005

Sigh...

I finished reading 'Rebel Without A Crew' by Robert Rodriguez today. It was like the 5th time I have read it, and I really like it, even though it is kind of depressing. I like it because it shows that someone can make it in the movie biz no matter where they come from. But it sort of depresses me because he talks in it about how he was only 23 when he made 'El Mariachi', and now I am 27 with one stupid little video to show. One stupid little video that I lost the final cut of, by the way.

Thursday, September 08, 2005

Kinda random, but funny






Tuesday, September 06, 2005

Cheesetastic

Ok, time for a new feature here on What The...?

Since I now have satellite TV with like 30 movie channels, I get access to a lot of weird, bad, and completely entertaining movies that are hard to find elsewhere. You know the kind I mean, movies that are shown late at night to take up some time, and that are not exactly Oscar material. I don't mean the Skinemax movies I mentioned below, though. I mean movies that are actually meant to be movies, not just porn that Showtime will accept. A lot of the time these flicks have actors before or after they were famous, or are cult movies, or are just so bad they are great. So now, whenever I get a chance to watch one of these gems, I will post my review here. So without further ado, the first What The...? Cheesetastic Movie Review! (Woo hoo!)

----------------------

Our first film to be reviewed is the 1983 classic 'Private School'. This is one of the seemingly thousands of "teensploitation" movies of the early to mid 80's. I am a real aficionado of bad movies, and I love this genre, but for whatever reason I was completely unaware of this movie. The plot revolves around two groups of students at two private schools ('Private School', get it? Genius, pure genius), one for guys and one for the ladies. The guys group consists of Matthew Modine (Jim), Bubba (Michael Zorek), and one other. Modine plays the main guy, the handsome, sensitive leader of the group. Now, I don't know about you, but Matthew Modine has never been my favorite, and here is no exception. He is really moony and wimpy and just plain irritating, if you ask me. So anyway, the other two guys are The Fat Horndog and the Nerdy Guy. 'Nuff said.

The girls are played by Phoebe Cates, Betsy Russell and this one girl who looked really familiar. I couldn't figure out who the hell she was for like 2 days, then I realized she played the skinny, unattractive waitress in 'Roadhouse'. Sweeeeet, a Roadhouse connection! lol Anyway, Modine is dating Cates, Fat Guy is dating Roadhouse Chick, Nerdy Guy isn't dating anyone, and all the guys want to nail Russell. And to be honest, I don't blame them. She is pretty hot, but above and beyond that, she is just overflowing with sexuality. It is rare that you see an actress who puts out so much raw sex appeal. I mean, it was just amazing watching her. There is a part where the 3 guys dress in drag to sneak into the girls' dorm (yep, you read that right), and Modine is in her room giving her a back massage. She pulls down the top of her panties and rolls her hips around, and I swear, it was unreal. Ok, ok, enough, I know, but I will say one last thing. I think a lot of guys who saw this flick in the 80's fell in love with Russell, not based solely on her looks, but on what I was talking about here. Ok, so now I'm done with that.

This is a pretty standard teen sex comedy for the 80's, more nudity than you'd see today, cheesy dialogue, corny as hell humor, and all that, but like most, it was fairly fun to watch. I love the fact that none of these 80's flicks got into that melodramatic, "here's to the next step" American Pie sentimentality bullshit. They said, "Here's some fart jokes and a bunch of naked chicks. Have fun." I respect that. Don't get me wrong, I liked American Pie well enough, and all 3 of those movies were a lot better quality movies than this, but there is something to be said of not rounding the corners of it, if that makes sense.

One of the things that surprised me about this movie was that it actually seemed to focus a little more on the girls than the guys, kind of a rarity for 'Porky's' knockoffs.

Ok, The List (things I noticed and remember about this movie, things that stick out in my mind):

- Like most 80's teen movies like this, the editing was always just a little off, like they called cut too soon or action too late or something in a lot of the scenes. I've always wondered why this happened so often in these movies.
- The scene with Modine's eyes popping out of his head as Russell strips. Priceless bad acting.
- The guys in this movie, especially Fat Horndog, act as if they have never seen a woman before. Which is weird, because all they do is try to (and mostly end up succeeding) see the girls naked. Seriously, they overreact to everything so bad (eyes popping out, jaws dropping, screaming "cowabunga" or whatever) that I was thinking that if someone acted this way in real life they would be put on Valium or Ritalin or something.
- Entire scenes in this movie come out of nowhere. No setup, motivation or anything. Just all of the sudden, pow, the guys show up in drag at the girls' dorm. It's like they made the whole sequence up one night, shot it the next day, but then forgot to go back and shoot any setup or anything for it. Kinda jarring.
- The video game in the bowling alley. I wish like hell I could remember the name of it, but it was a (fictional, made up for this movie, I assume) game where you wiggled around the joystick to try to score with the chick, kind of a Leisure Suit Larry thing. When Modine gets upset and tries to play it, he strikes out apparently, and the game tells him, "Sorry, I'm gonna be washing my hair tonight." Great under-the-radar moment. Too bad it never shows the screen, but I assume there wasn't enough money in the budget for computer graphics.
- Mr Hand! As a chauffeur!
- The scene where Fat Guy is trying to get Roadhouse Chick to have sex with him. It was so weird, at first she says she isn't in the mood, so he tries to talk her into it. So then, she says ok, she'll do it. Score, right? Nope, this guy then gets up and goes out the bathroom window. On the 3rd floor. Huh? I just didn't get that at all.

Ok, so that's it, not a bad one, Revenge of the Nerds was better, but hey, good times. 3 1/2 out of 5 cheese wheels.

Friday, September 02, 2005

This is why I love this country...

Not Another Skinemax Movie

Just about every night, on Showtime, Cinemax, and, oddly enough, Flix, there are these softcore porno movies. They are unfailingly cheesy, woodenly acted, stiffly written, and badly directed. But we all love them anyway, right? Naked chicks, right? Woo hoo! Anyway, here's my idea. I am going to write one based on the ones I have seen, but this will be along the lines of 'Not Another Teen Movie' or something, where all the dialog is given straight, pointing out the weirdness and crap factor of these movies. Here's a sample (with my own commentary in italics and brackets):

We open on an exterior shot of a huge white mansion, maybe with a couple of high end cars in the driveway. It's morning in CA, and the weather is good. Possible crane shot for a few seconds, probably just low angle static shot. (We always have to establish that these aren't regular people, they are rich people who live in some antiseptic house in the Hills) Cut to the bedroom. This room is impeccably clean and decorated like a show house at the Parade of homes. (The houses in these movies always look like the crew snuck into a show model at a new development somewhere. They are decorated like people want to think of their houses decorated, but never actually do it.) There is a woman in the bed. This woman is blond, wearing perfect makeup and a nightie. (These leads are always blond, always perfectly made up and have a never ending supply of flimsy nighties. Considering this is a movie we watch for the skin, it seems like it would make more sense to have her lying in bed naked, but hey, I only follow the rules, I don't make them up) She slowly wakes up, stretches, and gets out of bed. She heads for the shower. (Of course she goes for the shower. We don't want anyone getting bored or forgetting why we are here, right?)

So anyway, that's kinda the style. Now, I know the dialogue is where the parody really gets going, but I don't want to write the whole thing out in here, so I'm just gonna list some of my rules to follow, according to the ones I've seen.

-> The couples in these movies are always well off, but never over 30.
-> The lead actress is either by far the best looking woman in the movie, or oddly and markedly, less attractive than the supporting women.
-> Most of the supporting women will be brunette.
-> The lead male actor will usually wear a mid 90's haircut, have dark hair, have a job that keeps him away from home a lot but that isn't ever really explained, and wear a lot of generic, sometimes too-big suits.
-> The guy always has a friend who is a player.
-> The supporting actresses have kinkier sex scenes than the lead.
-> There are two types of lead female characters. The "bored sexy housewife" and the "dynamic, hotshot sexy professional woman" (who usually has some ridiculous job like crime scene investigator or something you never see or imagine good looking women doing). A lot of the latter are women cops.
-> The actual sex scenes vary wildly as to the explicitness. Some are so slow, soft and boring they don't even resemble sex at all. They look like two naked people slowly rubbing each other or something. On the other hand, some are practically actual porn.

I could keep going, but I think you get the idea. So is this something anyone out there would want to watch (me making fun of these movies) or what? Skinemax, here I come!

Just so you know

As you may or may not be able to tell, I like to post quotes from movies or TV that I think are funny. That's what those are, not some sort of secret code or something. I am a little unsure of why I felt the need to clarify that, but there it is. (This post is exceedingly lame, and will probably be edited, so cath it while you can. lol)

Thursday, September 01, 2005

More thoughts from the bus

I watched some of "The Real World" the other day, the newest one set in Texas. I haven't seen this show since like the first or second season, and all I could say was 'What the...?'. Calling this show "The Real World" is like calling Gilligans Island a Navy training film. This is so far removed from the real world that I don't even know how to describe it. Basically it's 6 or so completely immature, self centered assholes going to the bar every night, hooking up with random hoes and guys, bickering about a bunch of high school-like drama bullshit, then being handed these outrageously nice rewards for it. Like an Avid editing suite, really cool production jobs, etc. What the fuck?! One guy on there doesn't even get out of bed to do anything other than go to the bar and eat. Another guy's solution/reaction to literally every event that happens at this house is to suggest they go to the bar, get shitfaced and try to hook up with or get as many numbers from these bar chicks as possible. I have watched this show maybe 3 times or so, and every single one he has said it. It's hilarious. This is the real world? I wonder how long it would take me to lose my job, apartment and any semblance of self respect by living like this? I guess it's all just a show, but I think it has devolved into a freakshow, sort of like bad softcore...

I feel a little wierd playing fantasy football. I love football, but I'm not sure if I want to care what the weather conditions are in Baltimore so my fantasy team's kicker (who's not even a Bronco) has a good chance of scoring some points. Kinda feels like reaching a little, you know?

I can't believe New Orleans is basically underwater. That just blows my mind...

All of my phone numbers have the number '69' in them. 2 cells and work. Interesting...

"You people are nothing but a bunch of know nothing losers!" "Election in November, election in November!" "What? Again?! This stupid country..." - S

(That quote above got me thinking, why did they stop calling Mayor Quimby "Diamond Joe Quimby" in the Simpsons? That was funny, and the "Diamond Joe" part just sort of faded away...)

"Note to self. Remember, no matter how bad it gets, there is always beer." - Dirty Work

"Oh, you people can kiss the fattest part of my ass." - FG